Zach&Himself

Legendary. (For You)

06.06.13

           So everyone out there wants to be remembered for something. Even if it’s the smallest thing, that person could be giving a good portion of their self to be remembered. Do you remember that one time somebody gave you money for an ice cream you couldn’t afford? Do you remember that time you were sad and somebody came up to you and asked you if you were okay? Do you remember when you needed somebody and they showed up for you? These are small generous things people do for each other. They all want to be remembered, and I’m one of those people, I want to be remembered for the many things I do in my life, I want to be legendary.

            So what exactly does it mean to legendary? In my mind, that means to be remembered for the important things you did in your life, things that may have impacted others in your life such as your mother, father, brother, sister, significant other, or a friend. I’ve had something on my mind for quite a while, and it’s about how I want to “legendary” to somebody in my life.

            She knows who she is, and she knows how I feel about her, and how I always will. The reason I want to be so legendary for her is because I want her to always remember who I am, and never forget. She means the world to me, so I treat her as if she is my world. Every little thing I say to her is true; every little thing I buy for her has purpose, every little kiss has a meaning, every little “I love you” means the world.

            The reason I thought of this is because everyone has a past, and everyone will remember that somebody for what they did. There’s a first time for everything, first kiss, first love, first time in the bedroom, first engagement, first marriage, first forever. Everyone will remember his or her first something, and it’s a crazy thing. I have this really weird jealousy thing that burdens me from time to time. I don’t know what it is, and it just seems so wrong to say, but I’m jealous of her firsts. I know it happens, and I can’t change the past, and everything happens for a reason. I know people can have a bad past or a good past, but sometimes I wish I could just change the past, and just be in the right place at the right time, but that’s just not possible.

            There are a bunch of firsts that neither of us have experienced, but I have my dreams that I’ll be able to have a lot of firsts with her. I know my jealousy it a little crazy, but it’s just something I have to get off my mind. I hope we can experience that one first together, but all I can do is dream and hope for the best. <3

Every day I wonder, why me, why are you still with me? I’m nothing special.

So many thoughts, not enough time.

All My Heart

There are so many things I can say, but I’m sure it would come out all wrong.

Forever.

May 15th, 2013

So there’s this word that is known as forever. It’s a word that can mean something good, or maybe even something bad. Today, It’s a very good thing in my life. Forever is something that is limitless in time, and well I want something forever, something that I can keep with me. I’ve wanted to keep many things in my life forever, everything from family members, friends, and pets, but not everything is perfect.

            Well in my case, I found something that I want to keep forever, that is perfect in my eyes. She knows who she is, and I’m so happy to be able to call her my girlfriend. She’s everything to me, she’s my friend, my best friend, and my love. For the longest time, I’ve always been afraid to let her know something, and I feel like it’s the perfect time for her to know. 

            I know that forever is a long time, but I wouldn’t mind spending it with you. I know we’ve only been together for nine months, but these past nine months give me hope that I can have a future with you. I want you to know that I care about you beyond belief. I hope one day I’ll be able to tell you in person that I want to be with you forever, and I do believe that one day will come soon enough.

I love you, and always will.

Love Pt. II (The New National Anthem)

May 7th, 2013

            So I’ve meant to post this for the past couple days, but never got to it. I was originally going to post something, but the past night has added more to what I was going to write about. Love is a powerful thing; some don’t believe in it, some say it’s just a word, just something to keep a couple together, or that it’s something more beautiful than all of that. It’s an emotion that can be many things; it can be the start of a relationship, the middle of one or even a happy married couple spending the rest of their lives together.

            The reason I’m writing this is because I’ve had this strange feeling down deep inside. My girlfriend obviously knows that I love her, but there’s something else that’s beyond my grasp. I love her more than I have ever loved her, but I’ve always had this strange question in my head. The other night, I figured out the answer to that question, and it means the world to me knowing the truth.

            I know that everyone has a past, a past that involves the first kiss, the first “I love you”, the first time in bed, the first time believing that you’re with your “forever.” There’s a first time for everything, including being hurt and left in the dark. I’m going to be 100% honest, I’ve been hurt before, but not as drastic as the person I’m with. I’ve never been in love before so I can’t say I’ve had the experience of losing a love, but I can imagine the pain that she may have felt.

            I have this feeling that there are memories that cannot be forgotten. Memories are something that will follow you for the rest of your life. I believe that memories are just memories, sure they bring back smiles, but then again they bring back pain.

            I want to be the one who takes those old memories away, and replaces them with new ones. I want you to be so so so happy, but I can’t do that if you keep thinking about the past, or him. I know I can’t do anything about your past and your memories, but all I can hope for is that I can help you forget the old painful past, and rewrite it with a happy one.

            I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you, I’ll always care about you, I’ll always be here to talk to, I’ll always be here to love you, I’ll always be here for everything and anything. I promise now, and for the rest of time, that I will never hurt you. I just want to be the one you always remember. I honestly love you so much, I hope you know that, and I know this is coming off as a bit of jealousy, but I just want you to know that you absolutely mean the world to me, and always will.

I love you.

Why me?

So I’m sitting here just wondering, out of all the people in the world, why did you choose me? I’m nothing special, but you absolutely mean the world to me. I’m just wondering why you’d choose to stay with someone who’s just a loser, and not go find somebody else who’s much better than me. You’re the best thing to happen to me.

Who I am hates who I’ve been.

            So I’ve come to the realization of something this morning, I hate who I’ve been and as crushing as I found it, it’s true. I’ve been through a couple moments in the past few months that I’m not very proud of. I’ve hurt people and made them show negative feelings toward me. I’m not a very big fan of this, as most of the people I know aren’t either.

            The reason this has been running through my head is because I’ve been extremely rude, mean, and an asshole at best to someone that absolutely means the world to me. You may be thinking: “Your mother? Your father? Your family? Your friends?” and to be honest these people do mean a lot to me, but this isn’t about them.

            I’ve recently been a total jerk to my girlfriend and I don’t even know why. Some alter-ego has been getting to me and I absolutely hate it. The reason this is such a big to me is because this girl means so much to me, and to be honest, I’ve never had a relationship with such a person who cared about me. I honestly don’t know what I would do if I were to lose someone like her, so every time I say something stupid, I instantly regret it, and instantly think of the worse situations. This is why I hate who I’ve been recently and it sucks.

            Yeah I’ve had previous relationships, but nothing to this extent. Sure, flings are always around, but this girl is one of the first for which I have these amazing feelings for, and I know she knows that I truly care for her. I would do whatever I can to make her happy to be with me. She’s someone I can always run to if I ever need anything, but I don’t want this alter-ego of mine to interfere and have her think of me as the worst thing to live on this planet. I honestly try so hard to make her the happiest girl in the world, I don’t know if she notices, but I really try my best.

            It’s just who I am hates who I’ve been, and I really hope this can change soon. I want to be that boy that she actually loves, and just doesn’t say it to please me. I just realized I said honestly quite a few times, but then again, this is what this whole thing is about. I really hope for the best, I’m tired of being that guy who fucks everything up.